Captain Scabbard

excerpts EPIZOOTIC A few years ago, Captain Scabbard's company was transferred to the border to protect the country from cattle diseases.He found this very convenient, as by the frontier there is far less discipline among officers, and life is more regular. Besides, one may save some money, as expenses are fewer.Thus, in the morning Captain Scabbard put himself at the lead of his company and set out. Throughout their march, he kept a solemn face, striding with his sword unsheathed even in the woods, and never let his soldiers walk at leisure, because "you never know when a superior might pop up." He only made a few brief stops with his troops and ordered them to stand at ease, while he was taking a swig of brandy.When they reached the Prut river bank, he ordered the company to halt and delivered an awe-inspiring speech:"Officers, junior officers, corporals, and privates! The marketplace commandant gave us orders to come here and defend our country against our mutual enemy, the epizotic! The epizotic is extremely dangerous and manifests itself especially with animals.""Pardon me, captain, sir," the quartermaster sergeant asked, "but how do we know it when we see it, sir?""Shut up, dough boy! You must know it, that's why you're a soldier! If I don't know my foe, then who? My granddad? The epizotic comes especially in the summer, because when the heat is on, the sentries are wont to sleep on guard. Don't sleep in your boxes, privates, or else you'll lock horns with me. The epizotic is coming to liquidate us all. Just let me see it coming and killing us, and then I'll show you!""But, captain, sir, there ain't no boxes on the Prut bank!""So what? You want some? Wanna sleep in the box, right? Four days to the roundhouse for disobeying orders! I'll show you what! Then you must be aware that the soldier's duty is not to let anyone from the other side come in without a pass and without knowing the instructions. If you see the bovine coming to you, you ask for the password. He doesn't know it? You don't give him permission to pass. Now, Gheorghe Neculai, you show me what you gonna do when you're a sentinel. Suppose I'm a sick bovine. Stop me as I explained to you."And Captain Scabbard goes to the soldier. The soldier stands still."That's what I taught you, bastard? I'll show you! Four days to the correction platoon! Let's see another! Vasile Ion, you stop me!"And Captain Scabbard comes near. The soldier picks up his rifle and howls:"Who goes there? Who's there? Who-""Bovine!" replies Captain Scabbard."What kind of bovine? Sick or healthy?""Sick.""Then freeze, sick bovine! Guard corporal, come check a sick bovine!""Excellent!" says Captain Scabbard, very pleased. "That's what you'll be doing, and I'll put you to the test. Any time you see me coming, ask: sick or healthy bovine? Should the general in person come, you don't let him pass before he tells you what kind of bovine he is!""Excuse me, sir, captain, but what if there's a healthy cow?""Then you let it pass.""But how do I know it's healthy?""How do I know, you numskull! Didn't I just tell you? You know it if it knows the secret, the password, and the answer. How would it know them if it wasn't in good health?"And Captain Scabbard dismisses the company after explaining once more that the epizootic usually sneaks in at night among sentinels, when nobody can see it, therefore the soldier's duty is to ask the epizootic to keep its lanterns lit:"You saw the coachmen in Bucharest must obey the same rules, didn't you?" THEORIES Neither at the barracks, nor at home, or in any other place at that, is Captain Scabbard in his element as he is at a military parade. This is where he feels he is alive, and a true captain."I admit, the inferiors show you more respect at the barracks, except shivilians can't see you!"And everything Captain Scabbard does is designed to make "shivilians" have an idea of what "melitia" really means.After all, he is right: it's no mean feat having a hundred people following your orders who will reply to each of your swearwords 'At your service!' When "shivilians" see that, they'll pay more respect to Captain Scabbard, no doubt.So the main concern of this brave commander is to train his people so well that everyone will look up to him as to an Alexander the Great redivivus. But this requires hard work."So, private, what do you do at the parade?""At the parade, sir? I watch.""Watch who? Your grandma?""No, sir, the general.""But what if the general ain't there?""Then-""Well?""?!""Then you don't watch the general, you bug! Now you tell me how your footstep is when you're parading.""It's brisk, captain, sir.""Brisk, of course it's brisk, or else I'll show you hell, unless it's brisk, but where do you keep your foot before you step?""I keep it in my boot, captain, sir!""Your boot, of course, I'll make mincemeat of you if you take it out! Aside from that, where else do you keep it?""?!""In the air, you nitwit, that's why the government gave you air! And your head? What do you do with your head then?""My head… I think with it, captain, sir.""Think about what? Your grandma back home? What do you think while in formation?""?!""Your head, bug, you keep it parallel, that is on your shoulder, for if you don't I'll punch it into the right position! And your elbow, next to what must you feel it?""Next to where the alignment is, captain, sir.""All right. But where's the alignment?""?""The alignment is where the general is, dough boy!""Yessir!""But what if the general is not attending the parade, then where's the alignment?""Well, then… It's at the general's home!" BEFORE THE INSPECTION To Captain Scabbard, there is nothing scarier in this world than a general inspection. When he hears of inspections, particularly as they always come unexpectedly since they announce them only two or three weeks in advance, he begins to boil. During those weeks, Captain Scabbard is worse than a candidate before the elections. He walks back and forth, shouting orders at his company, eats from the troops' cauldron, sleeps in his uniform, and has terrible nightmares that awaken his spouse among cries of 'Don't move, take up position, dress in line, second row base!'All day long he stuffs the sergeant with explications and the troops with complications. Such a fever caught him the other day.The company was on theoretical training. Sergeant Potroacă* was explaining target shooting as usual when Captain Scabbard came in."Atten-tion!" barks Potroacă."What attention, you bug!" cries Captain Scabbard. "That's the way to give orders? You sound like you ain't eaten for three days! Suppose the general is coming now – how do you command? You shout from the bottom of your lungs to deafen him, so he can see you've got heart! I'll show you how!"And Captain Scabbard gives out such an "Attention!" that makes the colonel jump from his chair in the regiment chancellery, while the bugler, thinking the company barracks are on fire, sounds the fire alarm "for the whole unit."When things calm down and they discover it was only a regulation fit of the captain, Scabbard begins to explain the theory to the troops himself. As a true captain, whose duty is to know all the theories, he is both serving his company and garrison and teaching in an school for adults."You, blubber-lip, what do you do when you're in front of the enemy and you have no gun? Come on, speak, that's what the general's gonna ask you!""When I'm in front of the enemy-""Don't speak, bug, or I'll break your bones with my bayonet! Give short answers, you're a melitary if anything! You ain't no damn lawyer to give us bombast! What do you do if you don't have a gun?" "I open fire, captain, sir!""What do you fire, you poor bugger, if you don't have a gun? Wrong! If you don't have a gun, you tell him you can't open fire, and you tell him these are the instructions from headquarters, not to open fire, and you make your retreat… That's the way to talk, you wretch! Why don't you know it? Haven't you learned?"And Captain Scabbard throws a few punches at the soldier."Now you, the streaky one over there, how much is six times six? Six times six is thirty-six, ain't it? Why don't you know the answer, you nitwit, why? That's what the general is gonna ask you!"And he makes use of his fists again."Now you tell me how you identify our general.""The general has one thick gold lace, a thin one, and a braid.""Wrong, bug! That's what all the generals have, not just this one. I'm asking how you identify our general.""By the goatee, captain, sir.""Don't you say a word, private, or that's the end of you! Our general can be identified by his being the commander of the division we are part of. Correct? Then if I'm right, why don't you know? I'll thrust it under your skulls, you rooster brains!"And the fists start over. The company is then punished to attend "theury" all night.
* Giblet (Rom.)


by Anton Bacalbaşa (1865-1899)